My Own Mindful Leadership Reminder: "Be Curious, Not Judgmental"

(Even with a grumpy neurosurgeon)

(An interesting Forbes Article on Curiosity as a Leadership Trait)

I didn't go into the room in a "mindful" state . . .

I was already a little perturbed. The former attorney in me still does NOT like walking into a room of people to talk about something, unless I know what I’m walking into, and what I’m trying to accomplish.

My business partner at the time had a relationship with the Department Chair of a prominent neurosurgery program. He told me to meet him there and to talk for an hour during their monthly evening meeting.

Generally, when this happens, there is a specific goal. They want to talk about an issue or idea – maybe how to help the residents, or to improve department performance metrics, or discuss ideas about a formal physician leadership/coaching program.

In this case, the Chair asked us to discuss work we were doing with other organizations, to see if it would “get them thinking.” She was concerned that some of the more experienced leaders were struggling to collaborate and lead change, and some of the younger ones were developing less than collaborative leadership styles.

The normal process would have been to have a call with the Chair and define a specific, desired outcome. Then, I craft a very specific message/approach to get us there. My partner didn’t think we needed to go through this process. Of course, he was not the one who’d be in front of the room…..

Now, to be clear, I’m OK with ambiguity, and can generally jump into any discussion and guide it to some a useful conclusion. But – a room full of unhappy neurosurgeons can be a challenge.

All of us need to work hard to bring a mindful, curious mindset to every interaction – because this mindset helps us to achieve our goals. It’s not easy. You can’t simply DECIDE to not react from the sense of self/ego that’s been building your entire life.

Maybe We’ll Try Talking about Team and Collaboration?

I thought we’d talk a little about work we’d been doing to improve Department "team function." That's pretty benign, right?

I mentioned how this work could, for instance, carry over to improving OR performance. (Every surgeon wants the OR to run better.)

Immediately, Dr. Smith (we’ll call him), a very senior member of the group, interrupted to say that the OR would run fine if HR would just “fire the people I keep telling them to fire, and offer higher pay to attract good people.”

I acknowledged that finding, and retaining the right people is, definitely, important – but right now we wanted to focus on what we can control, and doing a better job as leaders, creating a shared vision, consistent communication and expectations – but hey, maybe we can work with HR to talk about a more collaborative effort to create outstanding surgical teams?

I could tell by his body language, and the harrumph, that he was having none of it.

Trying Another Approach

I shifted gears. We covered a few things and then the conversation moved to burn-out. Somehow, we got onto the topic of emotional intelligence and how it impacts emotional wellness.

I relayed a true story of two physician leaders that I’d coached. They work at the same organization. They have similar, heavy, workloads. One handles this workload fine. The other is struggling – mostly because he has terrible time management skills, both at home and at work, and because he has low emotional intelligence. His reaction to certain situations is often less than productive - causing more frustration, and work, for himself.

Now, the gender of these two physicians is irrelevant. In telling the story, though, I disclosed that one is a woman, the other a man.

Dr. Smith is staring at me as I tell this story, waiting impatiently for the chance to cut in. I pause and look his way. He. Says, “It sounds like you are making a comment on gender differences and implying that women tend to have higher emotional intelligence, and handle situations better.”

I did NOT deploy my mindful leadership skills…

I’m a certified mindfulness coach. I teach mindful leadership principles. Even if I’m not using the term “mindfulness” I am constantly encouraging people to work toward a mindset that is less about “reaction” and more about detaching from emotion, and finding the right “response.”

I’m also a huge fan of Walt Whitman. I preach his quote

“Be curious. Not judgmental.” I try to live by it.

Well….I failed my own test miserably in this case. My ego said “What the hell is this guy’s problem? He’s just a jerk. How many of these situations has HE facilitated? Yes, he’s brilliant in the OR, but he’s actually, the leader on the team the Chair is MOST concerned about. He’s hopeless and I don’t have time for this. I didn’t want to lead this discussion anyway. I have plenty of clients who WANT my help.”

I failed my own test miserably in this case.

There was a time twenty years ago, as a young, slightly arrogant, attorney and consultant, when some of these words may have found their way to me “outside” voice. This evening, my more experienced self simply shifted my gaze to my business partner, making it clear that the meeting was his from this point forward. I was done.

I’m not sure what was discussed the final twenty minutes. As things wrapped up, I politely shook everyone’s hand and said that I hoped we could help in some way (but it was not particularly sincere). I headed into the hall where I was alone for two minutes before the meeting broke up.

It hit me:

“I’m an idiot. I’ve faced similar situations thousands of times. Clearly, Dr. Smith was struggling with something. He’s frustrated. My job – my real, job and my job as a human being is not to be irritated by his frustration – because it’s NOT really about me (ego)- but to help him.”

(I can’t use Whitman’s quote without reminding everyone that my favorite soccer coach, Ted Lasso used it, too!)

The Mindful Response?

How powerful would it have been to simply say,

“Dr. Smith, actually, I didn’t mean to imply anything about gender, but there seems to be something you are concerned about on that topic and if you tell me what it is, it could be helpful for us to discuss it?”

Be curious, not judgmental. “Hmm, what is it that’s frustrating him so much? It’s not really me. He barely knows me. This is just an opportunity for him to verbalize his frustration for the group. Why does he feel that need? How can we help him to be successful?”

Again – I’m pretty good at using this technique. What was different? Perhaps I allowed my irritation going into the meeting to disrupt my normal clarity. That’s no excuse, though. The mindful response to that situation would have been…. “This is not ideal, but it is the situation. Being irritated by it will not help.”

Having THIS mindset would likely have provided enough clarity, that I would have known enough to open the meeting by getting THEM to talk by asking probing questions. This would have given my insight into what they cared about, potential landmines, and how to position any idea for success.

This is EXACTLY the advice I’d give someone else walking into this situation.

The Lessons?

First, I was disappointed in myself. Secondly, though, I’m pleased at how quickly I saw the mistake. Years ago, it might have taken me weeks to get over the “ego-driven" response.

Years ago, it might have taken me weeks to get over the “ego-driven" response.

All of us need to work hard to bring a mindful, curious mindset to every interaction – because this mindset helps us to achieve our goals. It’s not easy. You can’t simply DECIDE to not react from the sense of self/ego that’s been building your entire life.

It takes some practice, but you’ll find that it gets the job done, and that it makes the work, and life much more rewarding.